Characters you'll find surfing your local river wave

Note: this is a satirical blog post. If it offends you, it’s probably because you’re one of the following people and need to lighten up 😉

The Ocean Surfer
This old salty dog is easy to spot. He or she will have an ocean surfboard, an ankle leash, and a wetsuit. No extra or “unnecessary” gear: no PFD, no helmet, and definitely no paddle… a true surfer doesn’t need no stinkin paddle.

an ocean surfer hoping to catch a barrel

The Paddle Boarder
The polar opposite of the Ocean Surfer. This river surfer has ALL of the gear. Not only do they have the latest and greatest river board and paddle, but they also have all the safety gear including a whistle and knife. Still looking to add more gear, the Paddle Boarder will accessorize their look with swim trunks outside their wetsuit… like a superhero.

I paddle board for peace and justice!

The ex-kayaker Paddle Boarder
The ex-kayaker is closely related to the standard Paddle Boarder. Their appearance is nearly identical, but upon closer inspection you’ll notice all their gear has many years of wear on it. Their PFD will be faded, and in a color that was once popular in the late 80s, early 90s. If you’re still unsure, ask them how long they’ve been river surfing after they complete a mind boggling combo of 360s and grinds. If their answer is “this is my second time out”, they are definitely an ex-kayaker.

Cliff, I don’t know if you used to kayak before SUP, but you sure have that look

The Posse Paddlers
Posse paddlers are herd like creatures that appear all of a sudden from nowhere. You will be enjoying a river wave with little to no crowds, when all of a sudden a group of surfers all show up at once. They will often be surfing the same make/model of boards, and will probably be dressed in similar gear. Don’t worry though, they will disappear as suddenly as they appeared when one of them tells the others they should go to their “secret stash” for better waves.

as photogenic as this group is, I surprisingly don’t have a picture of them sharing a wave together

The Down River Paddler
This surfer may be the easiest to identify. Unlike the other surfers, they don’t arrive by car. They float down from upstream forcing you to kick off of the wave during your best ride of the day. They will usually be paddling a barge of a board, 10 foot or longer, with dry bags, dogs, or young children strapped to the nose. They’ll usually stop at the wave and try to surf it a few times, while constantly complaining about their board being too long for surfing. They won’t last long at the wave, and will continue their way down stream shortly after arriving.

hey buddy, I think you’re headed the wrong way